100%, +/-

i wasn't crazy last weekend. but i was definitely experiencing technical difficulties. it was like a 24 hour mental virus that lasted a few days. monday i was on the upswing but still having a few, slight relapses. by midweek i was well enough to know i was going to be back to normal soon. but i needed to know why this had happened. what had gone wrong.

yesterday i was so close to having it figured out. i was happy, confident again. at peace with the world. but there was still something that had gone wrong that i could not quite put my finger on. i needed to find this missing piece. needed to find it to prevent this from happening again.

i awoke this morning around 3:00, still troubled. while the coffee was brewing i went over some recent mail and some of my writings. it was there, somewhere. but what was it.

in an old pair of clogs, shorts, a flannel shirt and coffee in hand i went out to walk and think. i had planned on wandering the golf course but instead found myself on the gravel road. a path with a direction. a good setting for thought. the coolness of an early summer morn. enough moon to see. and it worked. i am not exactly sure how i figured it out, other than just my determination to do so.

for weeks i had been receiving so much positive input from outside sources. i had devoured it. wallowed in it. flourished. i had come to rely on it for my happiness. i didn't need me anymore. i had someone else to make me happy. it was as if i had written a script for the players to rehearse, learn and then perform, just for me. i was not prepared when one of my actors would ad lib their role.

"That was not in the script. Now lets try it again. Say exactly what I have written for you to say. With feeling. Make me happy."

i don't want to be the writer or the director. i want to be one of the actors. i want to be in this play that has no script.

i am me again. 100%, +/-!